Date #5 = indecisiveness. | anythingbutordinaryy's Blog

On Monday I went to circus society, as usual, and Ryan was there too. He's usually busy doing stuff/practising skills etc so it doesn't count as a date, even though he'd repeatedly come up to me to hug me and try kiss me. 

However, Chris was there. Chris, whom I think I might have feelings for. Why? A number of reasons. He's the guy who is covered in scars from cuts he made himself, and recognised the scars on my arm. He doesn't tell people about where he got his scars from, jokes about fighting a bear or something like that. He's really nice to talk to, and we've spent hours talking online about things like literature and things we find funny. I also find him ridiculously attractive. 

He told me that I always dress nicely, which I really appreciate because I don't think too many people realise the amount of effort that goes into looking the way I do. When he hugs me I don't want to let him go. 

I don't get many opportunities to talk to him because he works 10 hour days 6 days a week. 

Yesterday, Ryan and I went to a museum. It was awfully boring because I'm not especially interested in natural history, and there were basically just heaps of dead animals, and rocks/minerals. Well, the minerals were really nice to look at. However, I think I'm pretty great at being social. Ryan thinks I'm "fun" to spend time with. Even then. I was feeling terrible cause my back was in severe pain and I had taken 3 different prescription painkillers that I wasn't meant to combine (I forgot, I was in too much pain). 

Afterwards, we went to a cafe and he bought me dinner as well. Of course I offered to pay, but he seems to like paying for everything for me now. I suppose he does quite like me. 

On purpose, I made no mention of future plans last night. 

However, today, he texted me asking if I wanted to make plans with him for Valentines. I suppose that's kind of a big deal because he's often talking about how Valentines Day is stupid etc. He asked if I wanted to go over to his place and he'll make me dinner. Was I meant to say "no"? 

I'm really torn, because something is just wrong and I don't know what it is. He's a nice guy, smart, fit, wants to meet up with me all the time and spends money on me. Maybe I'm looking for a connection on a more psychological level, if that makes sense? 

Also, I don't want to feel trapped. I've spent a very long time being about to do what I want with whoever I want. I think this is a bad sign because when I really want to be with someone, I don't want to do anything with anyone else. 

I need to meet up with Chris and see if there's any sort of potential for a relationship with him, before things get too far with Ryan. I'm afraid that they already have.