Date #4 | anythingbutordinaryy's Blog
But before that, I saw my psychologist. I told her about my slightly extreme reactions to physical contact sometimes, and she thinks that there might be some kind of trauma from when I was a child that I have forgotten because my reaction is so regressive. I think it's a combination of a couple of things.
She said that if I become anorexic to the point of not being able to reason because my brain starts destroying itself from lack of food, she'll have to refer me on because she won't be able to work with me. She also got me to start taking about 7 different vitamin/mineral supplements again. Said my dissociation is either because of something in my blood, or cause of the borderline personality thing. She says that I can definitely be treated for the BPD - she was the BPD unit coordinator at a hospital for 9 years or something. But it will take a long time.
I was meant to meet up with Ryan on Thursday, but I cancelled on him in the morning because I wasn't feeling well cause my anxiety was going insane and I was on the verge of having a panic attack. Mostly because I've been under so much stress lately, and I was being paranoid that James had done something inappropriate to me in my sleep, and I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks. So I called him and we talked for about an hour. Fortunately, he doesn't think I'm crazy when I just straight out ask him if he did anything to me in my sleep, and I do believe him, I guess, cause firstly - it's a bit of a crazy allegation, and secondly - I'm a pretty light sleeper so I would have noticed.
So yesterday I met up with Ryan and he was a whole 7 minutes late! Which really annoyed me cause I can be a bit of a diva about these things. He did have a pretty good excuse though, he'd run to where I was from a different part of the city. I told him he could've just texted me and not had to rush so much. Anyway, I passed of the annoyed-ness as being "tired" since I'd had work at 9am that morning.
Then I went over to Ryan's place and we watched tv shows and talked. One of my questions was asking him whether he had feelings towards people in general, since that's kind of important, and some people are far too self obsessed. He said that he did. To prove it, he said that his first relationship was 2 years long, and 1 year of that was long distance because she moved overseas.
I also asked whether asking me out was a long term plan to get 'convenient sex' from someone he found attractive. He said no, there are far easier ways to get sex. I said "yeah, besides, you know Natalie" (remember, the girl who was my friend who slept with Theo whom I was involved with some months ago). He laughed and said "yeah". They have a bit of a history and slept together for a few months I believe. He asked how I knew about that. I said that Natalie is really vocal about how many people she sleeps with. Which is true.
I heard that my friends have been "warning" Ryan about me behind my back. This frustrates me immensely. I want to punch them all in the face. Ryan says that he'll make up his own mind about me, and I'm sure he will, but you can't help but be influenced by your friends on some sort of level.
Ultimately, I still don't think I have any feelings for him. If he told me he was sleeping around with a bunch of other people at the moment, I wouldn't care and would simply tell him to not bother asking me out again. I'm not convinced that he has feelings for me.
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Previous Postsfriends only., posted June 20th, 2013
and it's pulling me down., posted June 18th, 2013
slightly hungover., posted June 15th, 2013
sugar high., posted June 13th, 2013
mental illness., posted June 8th, 2013
wracked with guilt., posted June 6th, 2013
all the lights., posted June 3rd, 2013
midnight at the beach (in winter)., posted May 31st, 2013
a punch in the chest., posted May 30th, 2013
Partyy., posted May 26th, 2013
Why I want him., posted May 23rd, 2013
so busy, posted May 16th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
Teaching a sloth how to swim., posted May 12th, 2013
And Another First Date!, posted May 10th, 2013
Slightly overwhelmed., posted May 6th, 2013
It's for the intimacy., posted May 4th, 2013
And Another Break Up., posted May 1st, 2013
Midnight revelations., posted April 30th, 2013
Destroying things already., posted April 27th, 2013
First Date., posted April 25th, 2013
maybe this will work?, posted April 24th, 2013
Society Cruise, posted April 19th, 2013
Oh dear., posted April 11th, 2013
Progress., posted April 9th, 2013
Break Up, posted April 2nd, 2013
something different., posted March 27th, 2013
some unhappy thoughts., posted March 19th, 2013
differences., posted March 16th, 2013
Mail-Order Boyfriend, posted March 11th, 2013
Break Up., posted March 9th, 2013
missing my first week of class!, posted March 5th, 2013
decisions., posted February 25th, 2013
putting up with things., posted February 22nd, 2013
Date #6 - Valentine's Day, posted February 14th, 2013
Date #5 = indecisiveness., posted February 12th, 2013
Date #4, posted February 10th, 2013
Date #3, posted February 5th, 2013
Date #2, posted February 1st, 2013
Conflicted., posted January 29th, 2013
PTSD, posted January 26th, 2013
more drama, posted January 22nd, 2013
spontaneous, posted January 14th, 2013
slightly unstable, posted January 12th, 2013
degree change, posted January 10th, 2013
Decisions, posted January 5th, 2013
New Year's Eve Party 2012/13!, posted December 31st, 2012
Episode 3!, posted December 21st, 2012
Season 2: Episode 2, posted December 19th, 2012
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