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Conflicted. | anythingbutordinaryy's Blog


In my last blog post I had just spent another night at James' place (not sleeping with him though - which is probably important). He had been extremely nice to me. 

Yesterday was Monday, meaning I'd usually go to circus and meet up with a lot of people. The weather was very bad, so it was cancelled. I texted James asking if he had other plans and whether he wanted to meet up. He said that he was still at a friend's place, and that he hates the rain and doesn't want to leave so he'll probably stay the night there. After a brief exchange of texts, I asked him to call me when he was free. 

He never replied. Nor did he call me. That was yesterday. I didn't hear from him at all today. Maybe it's nothing, but I still feel hurt because I hate to be ignored like this. 

Last night, since I was at home and online on Facebook, Chris started talking to me. I'd heard a bit about him from some other people at circus. None of them really know him at all. So I was wary when he started talking to me. He was surprisingly nice, and we talked for hours about literature.

However, at some point that night I became overwhelmed with a depressive feeling. It wasn't really thought-related. It just happened. I was absolutely convinced that if I didn't bleed, I wasn't alive and wouldn't be able to think straight. I tried to stop myself, for maybe 10 minutes. But the feeling wasn't going to go away. I chose a blunt blade, but I'm pretty savage when it comes to slicing myself up. That's why I needed stitches that other time when the blade was a bit sharper. 

Anyway, I blanked out for a bit and then there was blood down my arm and about 20 cuts. It wasn't good enough because it wasn't enough blood. I don't know, maybe I wanted it to be pouring down and not being able to stop it. Maybe I just need an excuse to be taken away from society for a while so I can stop trying to justify everything I do between what I want and what other's expectations of me are. You can't say "other people's expectations don't matter". They do. And they matter far too much to me. I hate letting people down. 

I didn't even want to call a friend and talk because there was nothing to say. 

In other news, today Ryan messaged me on Facebook to let me know he was back in the country before he even posted that as his Facebook update. I thought that was nice of him. Then he even texted me to let me know that meeting on Friday instead of Saturday was fine (since I have work at 9am on Sunday). He's a smart, attractive and stable guy. I have fun when I'm with him because I'm not distracted by other things like him having a girlfriend, or not knowing his exact intentions. I really hope I don't screw this up. I'll have to bandage up my arm to look like I sprained my wrist, but that's okay.

Then today I went out and spent an obscene amount of money. Possibly around $500-$600. On nothing tangible.

I have to re-sit a geology exam on Thursday. I had a month to learn all the content properly so I don't fail again. But I just can't. I haven't had any motivation. I don't care if I fail. I don't want to be a geologist. I just want to be left alone for a while by people trying to force me in a particular direction education-wise. 

Problem: I have one year left of this degree, but I hate what I'm doing. If I choose to do another degree, that's at least another 3 years in uni. 

Solution: I have absolutely no idea. I have to make a choice, but I don't want to. 

In other news, I can see my psychologist again next Saturday. 

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Previous Posts
friends only., posted June 20th, 2013
and it's pulling me down., posted June 18th, 2013
slightly hungover., posted June 15th, 2013
sugar high., posted June 13th, 2013
wracked with guilt., posted June 6th, 2013
all the lights., posted June 3rd, 2013
midnight at the beach (in winter)., posted May 31st, 2013
a punch in the chest., posted May 30th, 2013
Partyy., posted May 26th, 2013
Why I want him., posted May 23rd, 2013
so busy, posted May 16th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
Teaching a sloth how to swim., posted May 12th, 2013
And Another First Date!, posted May 10th, 2013
Slightly overwhelmed., posted May 6th, 2013
It's for the intimacy., posted May 4th, 2013
And Another Break Up., posted May 1st, 2013
Midnight revelations., posted April 30th, 2013
Destroying things already., posted April 27th, 2013
First Date., posted April 25th, 2013
maybe this will work?, posted April 24th, 2013
Society Cruise, posted April 19th, 2013
Oh dear., posted April 11th, 2013
Progress., posted April 9th, 2013
Break Up, posted April 2nd, 2013
something different., posted March 27th, 2013
some unhappy thoughts., posted March 19th, 2013
differences., posted March 16th, 2013
Mail-Order Boyfriend, posted March 11th, 2013
Break Up., posted March 9th, 2013
missing my first week of class!, posted March 5th, 2013
decisions., posted February 25th, 2013
putting up with things., posted February 22nd, 2013
Date #6 - Valentine's Day, posted February 14th, 2013
Date #5 = indecisiveness., posted February 12th, 2013
Date #4, posted February 10th, 2013
Date #3, posted February 5th, 2013
Date #2, posted February 1st, 2013
Conflicted., posted January 29th, 2013
PTSD, posted January 26th, 2013
more drama, posted January 22nd, 2013
spontaneous, posted January 14th, 2013
slightly unstable, posted January 12th, 2013
degree change, posted January 10th, 2013
Decisions, posted January 5th, 2013
New Year's Eve Party 2012/13!, posted December 31st, 2012
Episode 3!, posted December 21st, 2012
Season 2: Episode 2, posted December 19th, 2012
soap opera returns, posted December 18th, 2012
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