PTSD | anythingbutordinaryy's Blog

About 1.5 years ago, I was in a particularly abusive relationship with a guy. One day, he tried to force me to do something I really didn't want to do. He pinned me down and climbed on top of me even though I tried to get away. He was so strong. I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe. I was so scared. He was distracted doing something for a moment and I got a hand free and moved a bit, and he realised what he was doing and was somewhat apologetic. 

For the next 10 months or so, I couldn't get into any sort of physical contact with anyone because I would get flashbacks and almost panic attacks. That included hugs, or even someone sitting too close to me. It slowly got better, but I still really really don't like having my skin in contact with someone else's.

Now, I don't know whether my back issues have led to nerve damage, or whether I'm ridiculously hypersensitive, but things have been getting worse lately in regards to physical closeness with other people. 

Last night, I went over to James' place again. I had my back to him at one point, and he hugged me, and my instinct reaction was to jump and then elbow him in the face. We were both pretty surprised. 

Also, whenever he'd have his hands on my skin anywhere, whether it was my arms or my back, it would be physically painful if I didn't concentrate on "his hand is on my arm, that's ok". As in, it would feel like he was dragging needles across my skin wherever he touched me because my nerves are just so hypersensitive. And whenever that happened, I'd twitch away. It was pretty weird.

Then at one point he wanted me to tell him something which I didn't want to. For the fun of it, he decided to pin me down and tickle me to make me tell him. Part of me KNEW that it wasn't anywhere near the same as that situation with the ex, but I just froze and started shaking. Then had some sort of panic attack/breakdown, I don't know. I was just curled up hugging myself and shaking and kind of hyperventilating for a while. James was really concerned and asked if he could hug me, but that just made things worse. It was like I had a major flashback where I felt just as scared as I was 1.5 years ago. 

I don't know whether I need a psychologist or a physio to deal with this nerve pain/sensitivity. Painkillers don't work because they're not designed for nerves.

I think James really cares about me. He knows so much about me, and sees me at my absolute worst. At some point the conversation got to why he was staying with his girlfriend if he really wanted to go out with me. He asked whether I would want to go out with a guy who broke up with someone just cause he found someone better. Which is a good point. 

Ryan comes back from overseas this week. Maybe he still likes me. Maybe he'll be my boyfriend. Or maybe I won't want to be together with him after all because I can't tell him about anything psychological that's "wrong" with me. And that's a huge part of who I am and how I think and react to things. James gets it because he has his own issues. He must think I'm pretty damn special to put up with how demanding I can be. 

(UPDATE: He just messaged me saying that he's coming back soon and asked whether I want to meet up. I said Saturday would be good. Maybe something is going to work out well.)

So, I've been told to try come up with a solution for my problems.

Problem: PTSD reactions previously to unexpected, now to basically all physical contact.
Solution: I'll talk to my psychologist about it if I'm not rostered on to work again next Saturday.

That's about it for now. 

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