PTSD | anythingbutordinaryy's Blog
About 1.5 years ago, I was in a particularly abusive relationship with a guy. One day, he tried to force me to do something I really didn't want to do. He pinned me down and climbed on top of me even though I tried to get away. He was so strong. I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe. I was so scared. He was distracted doing something for a moment and I got a hand free and moved a bit, and he realised what he was doing and was somewhat apologetic.
For the next 10 months or so, I couldn't get into any sort of physical contact with anyone because I would get flashbacks and almost panic attacks. That included hugs, or even someone sitting too close to me. It slowly got better, but I still really really don't like having my skin in contact with someone else's.
Now, I don't know whether my back issues have led to nerve damage, or whether I'm ridiculously hypersensitive, but things have been getting worse lately in regards to physical closeness with other people.
Last night, I went over to James' place again. I had my back to him at one point, and he hugged me, and my instinct reaction was to jump and then elbow him in the face. We were both pretty surprised.
Also, whenever he'd have his hands on my skin anywhere, whether it was my arms or my back, it would be physically painful if I didn't concentrate on "his hand is on my arm, that's ok". As in, it would feel like he was dragging needles across my skin wherever he touched me because my nerves are just so hypersensitive. And whenever that happened, I'd twitch away. It was pretty weird.
Then at one point he wanted me to tell him something which I didn't want to. For the fun of it, he decided to pin me down and tickle me to make me tell him. Part of me KNEW that it wasn't anywhere near the same as that situation with the ex, but I just froze and started shaking. Then had some sort of panic attack/breakdown, I don't know. I was just curled up hugging myself and shaking and kind of hyperventilating for a while. James was really concerned and asked if he could hug me, but that just made things worse. It was like I had a major flashback where I felt just as scared as I was 1.5 years ago.
I don't know whether I need a psychologist or a physio to deal with this nerve pain/sensitivity. Painkillers don't work because they're not designed for nerves.
I think James really cares about me. He knows so much about me, and sees me at my absolute worst. At some point the conversation got to why he was staying with his girlfriend if he really wanted to go out with me. He asked whether I would want to go out with a guy who broke up with someone just cause he found someone better. Which is a good point.
Ryan comes back from overseas this week. Maybe he still likes me. Maybe he'll be my boyfriend. Or maybe I won't want to be together with him after all because I can't tell him about anything psychological that's "wrong" with me. And that's a huge part of who I am and how I think and react to things. James gets it because he has his own issues. He must think I'm pretty damn special to put up with how demanding I can be.
(UPDATE: He just messaged me saying that he's coming back soon and asked whether I want to meet up. I said Saturday would be good. Maybe something is going to work out well.)
So, I've been told to try come up with a solution for my problems.
Problem: PTSD reactions previously to unexpected, now to basically all physical contact.
Solution: I'll talk to my psychologist about it if I'm not rostered on to work again next Saturday.
That's about it for now.
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Previous Postsfriends only., posted June 20th, 2013
and it's pulling me down., posted June 18th, 2013
slightly hungover., posted June 15th, 2013
sugar high., posted June 13th, 2013
mental illness., posted June 8th, 2013
wracked with guilt., posted June 6th, 2013
all the lights., posted June 3rd, 2013
midnight at the beach (in winter)., posted May 31st, 2013
a punch in the chest., posted May 30th, 2013
Partyy., posted May 26th, 2013
Why I want him., posted May 23rd, 2013
so busy, posted May 16th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
Teaching a sloth how to swim., posted May 12th, 2013
And Another First Date!, posted May 10th, 2013
Slightly overwhelmed., posted May 6th, 2013
It's for the intimacy., posted May 4th, 2013
And Another Break Up., posted May 1st, 2013
Midnight revelations., posted April 30th, 2013
Destroying things already., posted April 27th, 2013
First Date., posted April 25th, 2013
maybe this will work?, posted April 24th, 2013
Society Cruise, posted April 19th, 2013
Oh dear., posted April 11th, 2013
Progress., posted April 9th, 2013
Break Up, posted April 2nd, 2013
something different., posted March 27th, 2013
some unhappy thoughts., posted March 19th, 2013
differences., posted March 16th, 2013
Mail-Order Boyfriend, posted March 11th, 2013
Break Up., posted March 9th, 2013
missing my first week of class!, posted March 5th, 2013
decisions., posted February 25th, 2013
putting up with things., posted February 22nd, 2013
Date #6 - Valentine's Day, posted February 14th, 2013
Date #5 = indecisiveness., posted February 12th, 2013
Date #4, posted February 10th, 2013
Date #3, posted February 5th, 2013
Date #2, posted February 1st, 2013
Conflicted., posted January 29th, 2013
PTSD, posted January 26th, 2013
more drama, posted January 22nd, 2013
spontaneous, posted January 14th, 2013
slightly unstable, posted January 12th, 2013
degree change, posted January 10th, 2013
Decisions, posted January 5th, 2013
New Year's Eve Party 2012/13!, posted December 31st, 2012
Episode 3!, posted December 21st, 2012
Season 2: Episode 2, posted December 19th, 2012
BlogrollHere are some friends' blogs...
HelpEmbed Photos Embed Videos