more drama | anythingbutordinaryy's Blog
Things have been odd with James lately. On Wednesday he texted me at 10pm asking if I wanted to go over to his house. Um, no? Asking me that late makes it look like an afterthought. I called him at about 11:30 and we talked until 5am.
Pretty sure I've scared off Chuck. After I had a breakdown in front of him, he's treated me differently. Doesn't want to talk to me as much, or meet up with me as often. Or even talk on the phone with me.
Yesterday I had an incredibly busy day and was going to get to circus late. James texted me asking when I was getting to Central Station. I said in about an hour. He said he'd wait for me, and he did. We get on the bus and he gets a call from his girlfriend. So he talks to her for 15mins. As soon as he hangs up, she calls him again. That conversation ended as we got off the bus. I was pretty annoyed with him. "So you wait an hour for me to turn up, just to spend the entire bus ride talking to that fucking piece of shit on the phone!?"
He realised it was a pretty stupid thing to do. We walked to circus separately, then basically ignored each other there. But that was totally fine because I know so many people there now. Ken and Theo were there. We talked a bit. Theo is still attracted to me, even though he's going out with Sarah now. Ken is not so much attracted to me. John was there, and he kept trying to get hugs from me.
Enter a new guy! Chris. He's incredibly fit and attractive. And was walking around shirtless, of course. We just kept insulting/teasing each other.
Afterwards, a lot of us went over to my ex's place for drinks. James was there, still basically ignoring me. Then Chris showed up and we were being kinda close. I was sitting on his lap and he saw the scars on my arm. He told me I heal well. He has so many scars across his arms and chest. He doesn't tell people what happened, but he told me he did it himself, and how he did it. (I've known him for about a month, it wasn't awkward or weird or anything).
Problem is, I like Ryan. A lot. And he's still overseas right now. Problem is, everyone there sees these guys being close to me, and me being kinda close to them. And I'm sure they'll tell him. I really really hope he doesn't mind too much. I really hope he still likes me when he gets back. Then again, I'm not sure whether I like him or the idea of him. Because as my ex said, he's "the best guy you've got going for you at the moment". Which is true.
But then there might be some kind of connection with Chris. Possibly just physical and emotional. I have no idea. There is just too much choice.
So then I had to make a decision whether I was going to stay with my ex, Chris, James, John, or go home. If I picked a guy to stay with, people would talk. And I don't want Ryan to hear about those potential rumours. So I decided to go home. (I was also pretty drunk at the time)
Chris was hugging me goodbye, then he kissed me. John saw. He won't gossip though. But he's hurt.
James was texting me trying to guilt trip me into going over to stay with him. I wasn't replying because I was feeling so unhappy and unstable. I was getting the train with Ken and then had a breakdown and was crying and saying I just can't deal with the pressure of trying to keep everyone happy, or at least trying to not hurt anyone.
When I reached my stop, I didn't want to go home so I called Chuck and was crying on the phone to him about everything. I don't remember what I said, I was drunk.
He came over to my house today, cause I invited him over the other day. We watched movies/tv shows. He was more distant. Never tried holding my hand, and I'm pretty sure he just put up with me being physically close to him. Was good to see him though.
I think I've been repressing my emotions more and more.
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Previous Postsfriends only., posted June 20th, 2013
and it's pulling me down., posted June 18th, 2013
slightly hungover., posted June 15th, 2013
sugar high., posted June 13th, 2013
mental illness., posted June 8th, 2013
wracked with guilt., posted June 6th, 2013
all the lights., posted June 3rd, 2013
midnight at the beach (in winter)., posted May 31st, 2013
a punch in the chest., posted May 30th, 2013
Partyy., posted May 26th, 2013
Why I want him., posted May 23rd, 2013
so busy, posted May 16th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
Teaching a sloth how to swim., posted May 12th, 2013
And Another First Date!, posted May 10th, 2013
Slightly overwhelmed., posted May 6th, 2013
It's for the intimacy., posted May 4th, 2013
And Another Break Up., posted May 1st, 2013
Midnight revelations., posted April 30th, 2013
Destroying things already., posted April 27th, 2013
First Date., posted April 25th, 2013
maybe this will work?, posted April 24th, 2013
Society Cruise, posted April 19th, 2013
Oh dear., posted April 11th, 2013
Progress., posted April 9th, 2013
Break Up, posted April 2nd, 2013
something different., posted March 27th, 2013
some unhappy thoughts., posted March 19th, 2013
differences., posted March 16th, 2013
Mail-Order Boyfriend, posted March 11th, 2013
Break Up., posted March 9th, 2013
missing my first week of class!, posted March 5th, 2013
decisions., posted February 25th, 2013
putting up with things., posted February 22nd, 2013
Date #6 - Valentine's Day, posted February 14th, 2013
Date #5 = indecisiveness., posted February 12th, 2013
Date #4, posted February 10th, 2013
Date #3, posted February 5th, 2013
Date #2, posted February 1st, 2013
Conflicted., posted January 29th, 2013
PTSD, posted January 26th, 2013
more drama, posted January 22nd, 2013
spontaneous, posted January 14th, 2013
slightly unstable, posted January 12th, 2013
degree change, posted January 10th, 2013
Decisions, posted January 5th, 2013
New Year's Eve Party 2012/13!, posted December 31st, 2012
Episode 3!, posted December 21st, 2012
Season 2: Episode 2, posted December 19th, 2012
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