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anythingbutordinaryy's Blog


friends only.

Future blog posts containing information about other people that I don't want them to know will henceforth be visible to friends only. 

I keep having nightmares where an ex or a friend finds my blog and tells the other guys in it about it. Sure, most of the names aren't real, but it's really easy to tell who the blog post is about if you know me. This literally terrifies me. 

and it's pulling me down.

I have a boyfriend again. I don't know how I feel about that. 

Last night, Mark changed his plans to come and see me at circus society, then we went to his place. He insisted on lighting candles, because it's a lot nicer than the ceiling light. We were just lying on his bed talking, when he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said "that would be nice". He couldn't keep the smile off his face for hours. He told me his face was starting to hurt because he was just smiling so much and was so happy. 

I feel this awful sense of unhappiness. Just underneath everything. I won't let myself have feelings for him. When I went to sleep last night, I wore his t shirt and let myself have a moment of happiness. I feel really sad that I'm so guarded. I miss naively falling for someone with everything I could possibly feel. I'm giving Mark barely 5% of what I have to give in terms of emotions. 

I can't tell whether I'm with him because I want to, or just to prove that I can. He's had very few girlfriends in his life, so I wanted to know whether he thought I was special enough. He thinks I'm incredible. I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe I'm falling back into another depressive episode. I want to slice up my arms again.

I think I might stay away from people for a while. Just not leave the house or talk to anyone for a while. 

slightly hungover.

Yesterday was really busy. Was up at 7am, went to the chiropractor, then to work. My students had to rate me as a teacher, and one of them thought I was just the best teacher ever and gave me the highest rating for everything. Then I paid someone to burn me with a laser while I writhed on a bed literally crying from pain. i.e. laser hair removal. I'm sure it'll be worth it.. right? Haha. 

Then I went to a small party in a cocktail bar with Mark and about 15 other people. When I met him, I was overwhelmed by how obnoxious his personality is. The more people around, the louder and more arrogant he is. I still find him really quite physically attractive. He has a nice face, build, and posture. After I had a few drinks, he was a lot more tolerable.

I like how he held my hand in front of everyone. We decided to move the party to his house, and walked there. He said that once my exams were over, I could just stay over at his place for the entire month of July if I wanted to. 

Once we were at his place, we were playing 'never have I ever'. Turns out Mark has done most of the things everyone said they'd never done. He went into a lot of detail about his sordid life before he decided to change everything a year ago. He says the number of women he's slept with is in triple digits, but he's not too sure exactly how many. It's really very plausible. (Chris has only slept with 8. As of the last time we talked.) I don't know how I feel about that. The person he describes is so different to who he is now, without the drugs.

Then there was truth or dare, and this time a number of guys said that I was the most attractive girl in the room/the person they'd most like to sleep with. There was a girl there who had to say who in the room she had fantasised about. The only people she'd fantasised about were me and her boyfriend. Mark and I were extremely drunk. I was so drunk I couldn't so much as sit, so I left the room so everyone wouldn't laugh at me, and collapsed face down on the ground (no one saw!) and called Ben. I laughed for about a full minute before saying anything. Then rambled on about walls and the floor and.. I don't know.

There was a really nice guy there whom I'd met before but never really talked to (I'll call him Fred). He lives one train stop away from me, and while I was more sober, I asked him to tell me when to leave so I could get home. I really like how Mark has accepted my almost phobia of staying over at someone's house. I was like "I'm going home now." He said "I want you to stay". I said "I have to go". He said "I know" and hugged me. I'd told him earlier that I was going to stay over at his place, but had a panic attack at about 4pm about it. My anxiety was so bad I was crying, I just can't stay over at someone's place anymore after staying with Ryan and Chris. 

(With Ryan, the morning after the first and only time we slept together, he felt like he could just go on Reddit and not give me attention. With Chris, the morning after the only time I stayed over his place was so so bad. This was back in April. He wanted to sleep with me, I didn't want to sleep with him, but eventually said "fine, ok". I wasn't a person, I was just someone in his bed that he could fuck, and then he just got dressed and walked out of the room. I got dressed and walked out, and he was just talking to a housemate. He said I could either stay at his place and hang out, or I could go home. I went home.)

Anyway, Fred got me to the train station and caught the train to me. He also listened to me ramble on and on about so many random things. I was saying how it was so random that guys thought I was so attractive at the party. He said that I was more beautiful than his girlfriend, but he loves her personality. Mark called me at about 2 am. He was so drunk he could barely talk. He passed out while on the phone with me. He's fine, he's been posting things on Facebook today. 

I went on Facebook when I got home at about 3am and started talking to Chuck. He asked why I'd told his ex about what me and him did in December/January (the phone calls and meeting up etc). I said that I didn't know it was meant to be a secret, and that I thought what I told her was in confidence, that I wanted her to know that we'd been good friends, and it meant a lot to me. I asked if he wanted me to not tell anyone about what happened. He said it was up to me. I apologised. He said it was fine, now. He said that she was not good at keeping things in confidence. Oh well. We were up talking until 4am when I was too tired to stay up. 

It's after 1pm now, and I'm still trying to wake up properly.

sugar high.

I work out at the gym most days a week - so I can rationalise eating what I want. Sometimes. Like tonight, when I was in the kitchen making green tea when I opened the freezer. I found ice cream. And covered it with sprinkles. And mini marshmallows. I'll go to the gym tomorrow, it's fine. 

So I'm kind of happy now. Not sure whether it's the sugar, or something else. I'm finding that my state of mind is far too contingent upon Mark's actions. He called me twice today, and it was good. 

The other night, we meant to go to the movies, we met up on time, but the movies all sold out (because it was a Tuesday night). So instead, we walked around the city talking, and he took me to a nice bar and got me a Long Island iced tea. I tried to guess all the ingredients. It was really strong (it had 6 shots in it apparently), so I was tipsy. We walked to the harbour and were in this really nice park. There were all these pools of water with fountains and stepping stones. I insisted on walking on all the stepping stones. Mark had to hold my hand and was really concerned that I was going to fall in because I was so unsteady from being tipsy. 

We then sat on the edge of a wharf and talked until the tide got too high for us to be able to sit there. He looked at me for a while, and said "you're really beautiful. I just want you to know that." To which I looked away over the water, and pretended that he hadn't said anything. Because I'm not good at accepting compliments. 

That's about all I want to say. 

UPDATE: I mentioned that he called me twice today. He called me one more time just then. Said he was out with a friend at a bar, but made an excuse to leave because he wanted to talk to me more before he went to sleep. We had a nice conversation. He again emphasised how he wants to see me a lot. I was looking at my calender and it's completely empty for July. He said that I'll be spending the entire month with him anyway, so I don't need to write anything on my calender. He also said he'd send over flight details for going to Melbourne so we might get the same flight, I don't really care whether or not I spend the 1.5 hours on the same plane as him, as long as we get there at about the same time. 

He ended the conversation saying "love you lots, much love, goodnight". To which I said "goodnight". I don't know whether he means anything by it. Natalie says he's never said it to her, and they've been friends for a long time. 

wracked with guilt.

On Tuesday night I went over to Ryan's place. He's started seeing someone else and doesn't want to wreck things with her, so he said we weren't going to sleep together. Which is good, because I don't want to wreck things with Mark either. Even though Ryan has an amazing body. I think he might even be stronger than Chris, but Chris' body looks more amazing. 

Anyway, last night I went over to my friend Ben's place. I might have mentioned him before - he's a close friend of mine. We watched a movie and got very very drunk. Very drunk. So very drunk. I have photos from everything that night. About 150 of them. Him and I made out. He has a girlfriend, and they don't have a great relationship. It doesn't excuse what happened. At all. I feel like the worst person ever. I was worried that something like this would happen. 

I left at about 11, and could barely walk I was so drunk. Got onto the right bus, blacked out a few times, but got off at the right stop. Then managed to catch my train. Called a few people - cause that's a thing I do when drunk. Started talking to Chuck on facebook for the first time in ages. Told him how awesome he is and how much I miss him. Got off at my stop, and was still stumbling around. A group of guys followed me off the train and were yelling after me "you can't even fucking walk straight!" and things like that, but I was a bit too drunk to pay attention. I was just concentrating on not falling over and actually getting home. 

I got home just fine. This morning.. I was quite hungover. I got dressed and went to the train station to go to class. But everyone kept staring at me. Maybe I just noticed it more than usual today, but I was extremely unnerved by this and went home. I was dressed nicely. I have no idea why they stared so much. 

Anyway, I did uni work to distract myself from the guilt from last night. Then Mark called me and we talked for ages. Natalie told me that Mark told her that he's happy with how things are going with me. He said he was happy that I didn't call him when I was drunk, because he doesn't really like when I'm drunk. 

I feel almost sick with guilt. Ben is one of my best friends, and he considers me his best friend. He trusted me with all his relationship problems, and then .. this happened. I was too drunk, I don't know whose fault it was, but it happened. I haven't talked to him today yet. I feel terrible. 

all the lights.

I spent most of the weekend and yesterday working on an assignment. Which I finished and submitted. 

I met up with Mark in the city last night. He'd had to stay back 4 hours at work, yet still turned up on time after going home to shower, shave, change into nice clothes and clean up his room. 

We saw a light festival in the harbour. It was great, except for when he wanted to take a photo of the both of us. I absolutely do not tolerate photos. I told him that though, so it was ok. 

At some point, the conversation got to the topic of kids. He said that if someone told him that she was having his child, he'd get a second job and work hard to try provide as best as he can for the kid. He talked at length about this, so he's not lying. This is in contrast with most other guys I've talked to about this, who say that they'd leave the country or strongly suggest that the woman gets an abortion. 

We went back to his place and he made me dinner. He said that he may not be able to cook as well as Ryan can, but at least he can make sure I have food. 

Next month, he's going to Melbourne for 5 days because he's being paid to be a reporter at PAX (a massive gaming event/show/thing). He asked if I wanted to go with him. I'd really like to, but I know I can't afford it. I get paid so little, and after checking my bank account, I own less than $50 right now. The plane fares alone are more than I make in a month. Starting to consider becoming a stripper a lot more seriously. I need money! I obviously don't have the time or availabilities to make it conventionally. 

This morning Mark messaged me thanking me for last night and saying that he had a fantastic time. Also that I'd left my necklace at his place. I'll pick it up on Friday when he's hosting another party. He wants me to stay with him all weekend, from Friday to Sunday, because during the week he has to leave at 5am to get to work, and on the weekend he'd be able to spend time with me in the morning. 

Yet he will not call us anything more than friends. 

midnight at the beach (in winter).

All the drama in the last post happened on Thursday. 

On Friday, Mark texted me in the morning saying that he always felt that he was going to disappoint me, that he didn't like hearing about this guy I clearly still had feelings for, and that he gets really jealous. We made plans to meet up in the evening. 

I had a busy day. Then at 4:30pm, he texted me saying that he was too tired to meet up. I called him, and I do believe that he was actually tired, he'd been up since 5am after a late night, and he'd had a hard day at work. Didn't stop me being extremely annoyed that he'd cancelled on me with such short notice. I told Natalie, and she called him asking what he was up to, and he told her that he was so tired he just wanted to sleep. 

An hour later, he was on Twitter. I texted him asking him to call me when he was awake. I don't know whether he saw it/checked his phone.

Anyway, I tried to make plans with Ryan, but of course he had plans on a Friday night. I'll be meeting up with him on Tuesday, and he'll probably make me dinner. Because his cooking is awesome. 

I do find it a bit sad that I can't make plans with Chris, but it's alright. It was going to happen. I liked a lot of things about me and him hanging out, I just really didn't like sleeping with him the majority of the time, we just somehow weren't compatible in that way. 

Winston then told me that his plans for the night fell through and asked if I wanted to go to somewhere around his place for dinner. Then that he'd come to where I live and find a restaurant around here. I said "beach." So he went and bought food and wine for a picnic (he even bought cake!!), picked me up from my place, and drove me to the beach. 

We were sitting around on a small rocky cliff on an island (connected to the coast by a bridge) when two police officers showed up with torches. They asked where we were from and what we were up to. One pointed at the wine and said "Just for future reference, you're not meant to have alcohol here. I don't care, but I should let you know." and then they left. 

Mark called me. He was very apologetic and said that we'd have to reschedule. He said that he knew I was busy, but if I could find time for him, he'd really love that. I ended the phone call after 3 minutes saying that we'd talk later. 

After dinner, we were just lying on the rocks looking at the stars. It was nice. Then I was running along the beach, it was so fun. I was in the water up to my knees, it was surprisingly warm. 

Winston would stop me every so often to kiss me. I stopped him. I'm not interested in him in that way. I can't quite explain why. Maybe he's the kind of guy I'll like when things are over with Mark. I gave him money to cover about half the food and stuff. 

I wonder what I'll end up doing tonight. 

UPDATE: Mark called me during the day. For no particular reason. Then again at about 11pm. He wanted to say that he missed me and really wanted to see me. But he also managed to include mentioning how "hot" a friend of mine is. (She had a friend take photos of her posing while wearing only underwear and corset, and posted them on Facebook). He also said that he really wanted me to stay the night with him sometime, and that if I wanted him to, he'd even call up work the next morning and say that he wouldn't be turning up that day. 

I'm very wary. He's very unpredictable and in the space of a day he can change from really wanting to see me, to cancelling plans at the last minute. And from telling me how much he misses me, to talking about how hot a friend of mine is, to hanging up before I get a chance to say "bye". It's a bit concerning. Every time he calls me I'm scared he's going to say that he's thought about it and doesn't want to be involved with me anymore. Mostly because it'll be either that or him being overly nice. I don't think it's psychologically healthy for me. 

I've also decided that I'm not strong/well enough to learn aerial silks right now. Oh well. 

I haven't heard from Winston today either, which is a bit unusual, but it doesn't bother me. 

a punch in the chest.

This morning started with a shouting argument with my parents. It was so long ago now, I barely remember what it was over. Was a bit upsetting. 

Went to class, got there on time. Was a bit uncomfortable sitting in a tutorial about eating disorders with people imagining that they were experts on it saying "I once knew someone with it who said this.." Yeah, sure, take your anecdote over someone who has severe mineral deficiencies, faints often, is constantly tired/dizzy/on the verge of passing out, and getting heart problems from malnutrition. 

Chris was at my university today, so I called him and we met up briefly. I hadn't seen him in almost 3 weeks, and was shocked by how much seeing him affected me. He said he was going to hang out with circus people now, and I was welcome to join them. I said I was tired and didn't feel like socialising. He said "ok, see you around." Seeing him upset me so much. 

I called up Mark and cried on the phone to him for 20mins about it. I said I had no idea what to do now. Whether to find Chris again or to go home. The universe made that decision for me, because Chris walked up to me to where I was sitting. I couldn't believe it. Turns out Ryan's brother passed me on the stairs and saw that I looked upset, and he told Chris and Chris came to find me. 

We went to where the rest of the circus people were hanging out and were physically close as usual. (Side note: I saw people doing aerial acrobatics on tissu - youtube it - and it looked amazing so I want to learn it now. And I can. I might start next week.) We then went to the movie night, and at about 7, walked through campus to the train station. It was nice, he either had his arm around me, or he was holding my hand while I walked and he was on his skateboard. 

He said he wanted to make me dinner, so we went to his place. He said he was worried about my eating, and asked whether he'd have to come see me every day to give me food, or to message me every day on facebook just to make sure I had eaten. 

We got to his place, he made some amazing pasta for dinner (with help from his housemate who's a gourmet chef). We went to his room, talked, and slept together. I didn't enjoy it at all. I don't know why. It just wasn't working out between us. His body is absolutely perfect, but it just didn't have that same effect on me. I told him so afterwards. I said that I didn't have sex with him because I wanted sex. I just didn't mind sex because it meant that I'd get to be intimately close to him and that he'd be nice to me. 

Turns out the boy has a conscience. He said we should stop sleeping together. I thought he was joking, he thinks my body is just about perfect. He said he felt that it was morally wrong to sleep with me, because I was doing it for the wrong reasons and he just couldn't do it. He said we should stop all intimate contact because it's not the right thing for me right now. 

I left, and called Mark. I told him that Chris had friendzoned me, and I was upset about it. I can see now that it was a bad idea. But anyway, Mark told me that it shouldn't bother me, and that he's sick of hearing about Chris. I was obviously very upset, so I said "sorry that I thought you were a friend that I could talk to about things that are important to me". After a long pause, he hung up on me. 

I get it. I totally do. I was out of line. 

Turns out I'm becoming really close friends with Natalie now. Somehow. She called me and we talked for a while and I told her how upset I was. 

I know that Chris is doing the right thing. I'm not over him, even though I know it's over. We don't even have the same physical attraction anymore. It's just different, and now it's totally over. I've potentially really messed things up with Mark, and it feels like I've been hit in the chest and I'm still reeling from the blow. 

Partyy.

I've been overdoing things again. As soon as I think I'm not sick anymore, I force myself to do too much, and get sick again. Probably not anything new, I just don't get over whatever I had in first place. 

Anyway, last night, I went to a party at Mark's place. They were playing drinking games. I was sober for a while, then figured I may as well join in. 

A number of things contributed to me being completely wasted. I hadn't drank any alcohol for almost months, I hadn't eaten much, I've been on a really high dose of antibiotics for a while, and blood tests show my liver isn't working optimally because I've been very sick. But I didn't really think about any of that. The vodka got to me very very quickly. 

For a while, everyone was playing truth or dare. One guy was asked who the hottest girl in the room was. He said that it was me. His girlfriend was right next to him. I think she was okay with it, I know her, she's really nice. But still. (Afterwards he told me that he'd talked about it with her, and they wanted to have a threesome with me.) At one point I was dared to strip down to my underwear and dance, which was funny. At least I wasn't dared to strip to my underwear and run down to the pub on the corner of the block like another girl was. 

Then at another point, I was dared to stay in only my underwear for the rest of the game, which I didn't really have a problem with, because my underwear was probably prettier than my clothes, and I was so drunk I didn't care either way haha. 

Ryan had slept/gone out with 3 of the girls at the party, including me. He was asked to describe the first time he had sex with each of us, in detail. At least it wasn't "who was the best". He did describe it, and there was fortunately nothing incriminating or embarrassing about it, so that went better than expected. 

Mark's ex-fuck-buddy/ex-kind of-girlfriend showed up with a friend later on in the night. I was lovely to her, because I'm so nice when I drink. Her friend tried to get me to make out with him, but I wasn't interested.

Mark wanted me to stay the night, but I didn't. I caught a bus back with Natalie (the slut who slept with Theo while I was involved with him) and Theo. I was lovely to her too.

Today, Mark called me and said that everyone had been asking about me and him. He said that we were "really close", and that's all. Apparently they also asked if I was good in bed, which of course he couldn't answer, but wasn't going to talk about anyway because that's personal. I think he wanted to talk to me more, but I'm so busy with assignments and things for university. It's so difficult because I have no interest in any of it.



Why I want him.

I want to explore the reasons as to why I am so attracted to Chris. 

1. His body is pretty much perfect. I'm a perfectionist at heart, I want a perfect body for myself, and work as hard as I can towards it when I'm not sick (which is most of the time). He has a body which is what I consider to be physically perfect for a man.. chiselled is a good word to use to describe it. He is so fit and I almost literally cannot keep my hands off him when I'm around him (fortunately he has a very similar attraction to me). 

2. When he's nice to me. It helps that psychologically, he gets me. He can be sensitive and caring, and so lovely. Then it's like a switch is flipped and he's almost cruel in what he says. He doesn't often mean to be malicious, but he can say such hurtful things. As Winston pointed out last night, it's a gamblers fallacy. 

3. I'm self destructive. I know seeing him will probably make me unhappy, but it kind of makes me want it more, because if I get more unhappy, it's probably because I 'deserve' it, but he might be nice, and I could be really happy when I leave him (it's happened before). 

I think that's about it. 

I've also realised that the threat of losing a guy makes me like him so much more than I did before. Like with Mark. 

Although, to be honest, I do want to see Chris a lot more than I want to see Mark. (I'm sure he has no idea, we don't really talk outside of meeting up, which only happens when I call him and ask if he's free and wants to meet up).

Slightest chance I might not be over him. 

EDIT: He just messaged me on facebook asking how I've been, and he said "kind of miss you :)" And that may have affected me way more than it should have. 

so busy

Bit of drama lately. Kind of. 

I met up with Chris again on Tuesday. Honestly I thought we were just going to sleep together again, and then I'd go home (him and I have this really really intense physical attraction to each other..). Anyway, I turned up to his place and watched tv shows with him and his housemates, then he made me dinner. I told him about seeing a psychologist, and a little bit about some issues I've had with really severe depression recently, and how I can't afford to see her at $160 an hour. I make $19 an hour, and this school term I'm only working 2 hours a week. That's $38 a week for everything except rent/bills.

He realised that I actually have certain serious issues, and he felt really bad for being so awful to me. He said "wow.. I feel like such a dick now. Sorry." It was nice to just be so close to him. At one point, I don't remember what he was trying to do, but I had my arms up covering my face and he noticed the 50 or so new scars on my wrist. I think it shocked him a little. I said he was literally the only person to notice. And that last week they weren't even healed over, and I wasn't wearing a bandage, and he didn't notice. People just don't pay much attention to detail. 

Yesterday (Wednesday), I worked really really damn hard on my presentations due on Thursday. Hours of unbroken concentration all day, except for the 2 hours I spent at the gym. I was working until 2am, and got about 4 hours sleep. Again. 

Today I had to give my speeches/presentations. They went terribly. Possibly worst out of everyone. I stumbled over my words, couldn't maintain eye contact, had no clue what to say when I wasn't reading off my paper, the powerpoint slides didn't work properly/chose not to appear/chose to go backwards, my paper was missing an entire paragraph on results, I paused awkwardly sometimes cause I zoned out and lost track of what I was saying. It was a disaster, and I don't want to talk about it again. My powerpoint slides were great. My speeches themselves were great. I just didn't deliver it because I hadn't practised and was so very tired. 

Ryan started talking to me again. Asked if I wanted to meet up with him again after my assessments were over. I said yes, because I do kinda miss him, and according to my psychologist, he was really good for me because he was so stable and would feed me.

Maybe that's why I'm sick again (with a cold or something), I haven't been eating enough. At all. 

Winston asked me out tonight. Asked if I wanted to get dinner with him, then watch a comedy show. I said I'm too tired. 

Mark also asked me out tonight - in fact, we did have plans to meet up, but I said I was too busy. Then that I'm too tired. So we were texting a lot, then talking on the phone for 2 hours, then he called me back about 3 times for no particular reason, and almost begged me to go over to his place and he'll make me dinner. He was so nice about it that I said 'yes', and was about to leave when I realised I was sick again. I feel so awful. I messaged him to let him know that I couldn't make it, and he was really disappointed - of course he would be. He said I should turn up anyway and let him look after me. I have WAY TOO MANY THINGS TO DO TO GET SICK NOW. 

2 reports due next week. Haven't started them. I'm SO tired and unwell. I knew I was going to burn out sooner or later. My body is so goddamn fragile. 

More drama.

It's not as bad as it could be. 

Today I spent most of the day finishing the stupidly long report I had to do. I was a few hundred words short, but I literally could not think of anything else to write since I'd already repeated myself so much. Then I went to the gym, which was good. 

During the day, Mark called me right after he finished work to ask whether we could meet up earlier because he was really keen to see me. I said I'd be busy and I'll turn up to circus society at about 6:30. 

We met up at circus, and I accidentally (on purpose) was hugging Chris for aaaaages because he is just so physically attractive. Mark didn't like that, and he pulled me away from everyone to say that he didn't like seeing me being close to other guys, and he'd be really pissed off if I was kissing them. 

That would be alright if it was because he wanted to be the one hugging and kissing me. But no, he refused to. 

Why the fuck did he do that? Because a girl that he's sleeping with showed up and he didn't want to hurt her feelings by letting her see him near me.  

He said that she was a really good friend and he didn't have feelings for her, but she had feelings for him and he didn't want to hurt her. I told him he was weak, that I was disappointed in him, and that I didn't like those aspects of his personality. 

I don't know what I'm going to do now. 

UPDATE: He called me about an hour after I got home and said that he'd called up the friend/person he was sleeping with and ended things with her. He said he was serious about seeing me and really liked me. He also said that with most other people, he would've given up by now because he would have thought "that's it, I've pissed them off and I can't be bothered fixing it", but he wants to make things work with me. I said I'm really busy with university and he'll have to wait a while before he can see me. He ended the phone call saying "much love" which I thought was unusual. 

In other news, I'm very likely to see Chris again tomorrow night. See what happens when I'm not over someone!? Today he said things like "you could learn a lot from this other girl I'm sleeping with" and "you're going to look so good in a few months when you get fit". But his body is so amazing. It makes up for his awful personality to a very limited extent. I should train him to be nice otherwise I won't be physically involved with him. Actually, no, I shouldn't, because that implies I'm going to keep seeing him when I probably shouldn't. But damnit I can't keep my hands off him. 

More drama.

It's not as bad as it could be. 

Today I spent most of the day finishing the stupidly long report I had to do. I was a few hundred words short, but I literally could not think of anything else to write since I'd already repeated myself so much. Then I went to the gym, which was good. 

During the day, Mark called me right after he finished work to ask whether we could meet up earlier because he was really keen to see me. I said I'd be busy and I'll turn up to circus society at about 6:30. 

We met up at circus, and I accidentally (on purpose) was hugging Chris for aaaaages because he is just so physically attractive. Mark didn't like that, and he pulled me away from everyone to say that he didn't like seeing me being close to other guys, and he'd be really pissed off if I was kissing them. 

That would be alright if it was because he wanted to be the one hugging and kissing me. But no, he refused to. 

Why the fuck did he do that? Because a girl that he's sleeping with showed up and he didn't want to hurt her feelings by letting her see him near me.  

He said that she was a really good friend and he didn't have feelings for her, but she had feelings for him and he didn't want to hurt her. I told him he was weak, that I was disappointed in him, and that I didn't like those aspects of his personality. 

I don't know what I'm going to do now. 

Teaching a sloth how to swim.

I'm the sloth.

I have a major report thing due tomorrow for one of my psychology classes. It's very difficult and unbelievably tedious. It's on a very complex factor analysis done on a few levels about traits and intercorrelations etc etc. Basically have to write the Results and Discussion.

I'm not good at statistics. I never cared enough to pay attention, or to even go to the classes for that matter. So I desperately did not want to write the results section. So, I went over to Winston's place and used my wiley feminine charms to get him to write the vast majority of that section. Mostly a lot of complaining, to which he kept trying to convince me to just write it myself (that worked - I'd just say "but I don't know what to write now" and he'd just tell me exactly what to type).

We were doing the assignment while sitting around/lying down on his bed, and I might have been hugged him real close, kissed him on his cheek, then his neck, and whispered that I'd really really like it if he could finish writing the results section. Because I swear I'll pay attention to it, that counts, right?

It totally worked. I feel a bit bad about it morally, and ethically. But at least it got done.

After a few hours, I suddenly went into a depressive mood and shut down completely and was curled up in a corner of his bed crying. I have no idea why. Fortunately, he's actually qualified to be a psychologist and I think he understood. I don't know why he puts up with me.

Some hours later, I kind of recovered and he drove me home. He really wanted to spend more time with me, so we spent maybe half an hour in his car outside my house just talking. Then he kissed me. He's already told me that he's not after a relationship right now, so I'm not leading him on. He knows all about Mark and Chris, and he thinks I'm definitely not over Chris.

I saw my psychologist yesterday, and she's worried about me. Wants me on antidepressants again, but I don't have the time right now to deal with the side effects. Too many assignments due.

Mark really wants to see me, but honestly, I don't think I'm at all over Chris, or Nathan. But mostly Chris. I feel like I need to be close to him. Mark is nice, and he seems really stable right now, but I'm already feeling claustrophobic when he calls me. It's weird.

And Another First Date!

Today I met up with Mark in the early afternoon. He took me to these Japanese gardens in the city and paid for my entry. I was going to pay, but he said "did you really think I'd let you pay?" It was nice, we talked and walked around for a few hours.

Then he kissed me, and it wasn't entirely unexpected. It was nice, we were being really couple-y. Unfortunately, I'm starting to spot the exact same patterns in my relationships in how the guy gets really really interested in me really quickly.

I found out a bit more about him. Even though now he's such a decent guy who does even drink alcohol, he used to be very different. He was a drug addict/dealer. He told me that when he was 15, he had an older brother who was getting married and had a kid. His brother got into drugs, then killed himself. Mark had no idea how to cope, so he got into drugs too. I thought it was pretty sad.

Anyway, after we left the garden, he took me to a restaurant and we got dinner - he paid again. We got a bit ridiculous and pretended that it was our 2 year anniversary, and that we had a kid at home - and that we were really awful parents because we were too young for this. It was so funny.

Afterwards, he took me down to a wharf on the harbour and we spent hours there, mostly making out and talking. I keep hearing the same things from guys "you're so beautiful" at just the right moment. He also talked to me really seriously and thanked me for coming out to the city to meet up with him today, he had a lot more fun than he'd expected. I've been hearing "you're so cute" lately as well, which is new. And again that I'm apparently a good kisser.

He let me borrow his jacket if I promised I'd see him on Monday. I had a lot of fun today and got no work done and now it's late at night.

Slightly overwhelmed.

Mostly with all the work I have to do. But also with all the things I have to do aside from that. Things ranging from tests to social events.

Just by the way, maybe I should note that yesterday I slashed up my wrist a fair bit. There's probably at least 20 cuts, but I made sure to use a blunt blade so none of them are terrible. I don't really feel like talking about it.

Last night I was talking to a friend Damien. He's a close friend of mine, and he messed up. He cheated on his girlfriend. With a guy (while extremely drunk). And he was messaging this to me on facebook while in the same room as his girlfriend. So things weren't great. Today at university I called him up and asked if he wanted to meet up to talk, and we did. He said I was the only person he could talk to about it and thanked me. I don't think I was very helpful, but I listened and hugged him.

Soon afterwards, my best female friend messaged me in panic about this guy she's dating. He's the first guy that's asked her out. I sent her some long and hopefully helpful messages. I said things that I wish people told me. I told her that his attention does not define her or her actions, and to not fall into an insecure attachment style. I am so guilty of being completely overwhelmed and freaking out if a guy doesn't message me and I want him to. Unfortunately I'm also extremely cynical so I don't think there's anyone who could convince me to think otherwise. Anyway, she was really grateful and said she didn't know what she'd do without me.

This evening, I went to circus society for the first time in weeks. Met this guy Mark. I met him for the first time at the New Years Eve party. Where I was completely wasted. We remembered each other though. Spent a while talking away from everyone. He's tall and attractive and funny. He seems honest and really open. Also slightly crazy in a hyper kind of way. He's also not nearly as forward physically as other guys. After our conversation, he asked me for my number. Later on that night, he asked me out - not a date. We're getting to know each other better cause he said I'm really fun to hang out with. That's on Friday.

I also got asked out by another guy that I've known for a while. Winston. He's really tall, and nice, and funny. But I don't find him physically attractive. He had a really nice date idea. He told me to wear my most beautiful dress - like a prom dress which I thought I'd never wear again. He'd wear a suit and pick me up, then take me to the beach in the evening. Then we could get fish and chips and walk around by the sea at night time. I think that sounds really fun so I want to do it. I don't know whether I will though. I'm busy though anyway.

Chris was at circus. He spent almost the entire time making out with this other girl. The other girl is tall and beautiful, and she's already in an open relationship with the guy I consider most physically attractive at circus. She seems like a really nice person, but it still killed me to see them together. They're not even together, he just felt like making out with her. I don't know whether it's jealousy. I don't have any resentment towards her, she looks happy. I guess I'm just really selfish and want a guy to want only me, even though it's unreasonable (i.e. after a break up).

I am so dizzy. I've barely eaten all week. I had dinner yesterday though. Still too fat, need to be thinner.

Anyway, it made me extremely unhappy to see him with her, so I got a number of guys to all give me attention at the same time. Namely in the form of hugs. So many hugs. One guy was nice and decided to stand in a way to completely block my view of Chris. I didn't want him to, but he did it anyway.

I almost had a breakdown because I'm not 100% over Chris, and I'm not over Nathan. It's really hard to not be over 2 guys at the same time, and so painful.

Anyway, I wonder what will happen with Mark. Chris said that Mark and I looked good together. I said that Chris has the nicer body.

Chris wanted to make out with me, but I didn't want to kiss him after seeing him with that girl. So instead as he hugged me, for the fun of it I was running my fingers/nails down his back and his front in just the right way that makes him crazy about me. He said no one else knows how to do that to him. I like watching his reaction.

I might spend the night at his place tomorrow night. I'll get some hours of study done (I'll tell him to go play X-box) and then I'll make it to my morning lectures on a Wednesday for once (because I like to leave early in the morning if I stay over somewhere, plus he lives a lot closer to my university than I do).

Then again, it makes me feel like a terrible person because he annoys me so much, but I'm just SO physically attracted to him.

It's for the intimacy.

I'm still fairly hurt after the end of the relationship with Nathan on Wednesday. Yes, it was extremely brief, but we had a really good connection, and he was a nice guy. I liked him. It could have been good. Of course I haven't heard from him since then.

I've barely been sleeping, so being awake is really painful. Thing is, I just can't sleep. Can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep. My eyes are burning, my head hurts, and I'm exhausted - but I can't sleep. I don't like to use medication because it doesn't feel like "real sleep" and waking up is a nightmare.

On Thursday, I taught an English workshop to about 30 kids in their final year of high school. It was intense, and I wasn't prepared and didn't have any resources. I was really sick so I could barely talk. I didn't even go to university that day. Not sure why, I was either too sick or too depressed to turn up.

After I taught the class, I called up Chris and met up with him. Went over to his place, watched tv shows with him and his house mates. One of his housemates is Owen. First time I met him, he was playing x-box and yelling all kinds of profanities. He almost did not stop making gay jokes. I thought it was funny, but since then, he's been more and more polite when I'm around. Him and I have been talking a bit too.

For some reason I think he gets a bit sad when he sees me with Chris (usually I'll turn up and Chris will be busy with whatever for a while before he comes to join me with the others watching tv shows). For some reason I imagine that he's wondering what on earth I'm doing with him when he's such an awful guy. When I was in a relationship with Chris and he'd keep hanging up on me when I called, Owen told Chris that he should at least answer the phone, but he didn't.

Anyway, I slept with Chris again. I didn't really care whether we did or didn't, I just wanted to be really physically close to someone. I would dig my nails into his skin just lamenting the fact that he wasn't Nathan. It's hard to explain. It's like I need someone to want me, to make me feel like they need me, because I've lost something, and losing something hurts. It's like an empty, hurting space in my heart, and if I just hold someone tight enough I might forget about how much it hurts to keep losing people.

Afterwards, Chris was hugging me, and I told him about Nathan. He asked me about what happened, and he was really nice about it. When I'm in his apartment, I feel safe and isolated from everything else in my life. He told me I should go so that I'd get home without my parents being annoyed at me, but I said "noo, please don't make me go, I just want to stay here for a little while longer before I have to go back to the real world".

So, does rebound sex "work"? I have no idea. On Thursday, I was just happy that I didn't cry while in bed with Chris. It didn't really do anything to ultimately make me feel better. Of course it was just one event though. You can't say a medicine doesn't work if you only take one tablet. Of course, after you've taken it for a while you might get better and you'll thank the medicine and take it again next time, when in fact it may have just been that you needed time, not anything else, to get better.

It's kind of really not fair that I keep losing people in such different circumstances. Makes me look as though I'm worse at relationships than Taylor Swift.

And Another Break Up.

That was unexpected.

I've been under a lot of pressure lately. I have a lot of things due, I'm trying to maintain social connections, work is putting pressure on me to do things I just don't have the time for. The more stress I'm under, the more my mind clouds over and I lapse into a strange state of some kind of disorder.

The psychologists say it's BPD, and I guess that fits pretty well. I freak out, and get crushingly depressed to the point I can't think straight at all. I can't focus on anything.

Yesterday morning was like that. I turned up to university, but I didn't go to class. I met up with a friend, and suddenly I was all animated. I really really wanted to meet up with Nathan, and I was suddenly so bright and cheery. It was great. We were walking around campus holding hands, and then standing around hugging as he tried to kiss me but I wouldn't let him because I'm sick, so he'd just kiss me on the cheek. He told me about how much he liked me, that I'm his girlfriend, that he's really attracted to me and wants to give me as much time as I need before we move on physically in the relationship.

An hour later, he messaged me asking where I was and that he wanted to see me. We met up and he was still being just as nice. I then mentioned that I'd be extremely busy for the next few weeks. He said that we could have that conversation another time. I said "why not now?" The more we talked, the more freaked out he got about being in a relationship.

Finally, he said that he's not over his ex, he can't be in a relationship right now and we can be friends. I got really upset at this and was pretty much yelling at him. I was like "so after everything you said to me about how I'm different, how you want to be together with me, and after how I said I didn't want to be like Mel, you do this." He seemed like he was almost on the verge of tears as he tried to get some words in "you are different, and I do really like you, I just can't be with anyone right now".

It got more dramatic. There was yelling. Tears. Talking to him with my back towards him because I didn't want him to see my face.

In hindsight, it was unreasonable of me. He didn't lie to me, he just told me what he thought was the truth at the time.

I think I was most upset about how quickly he changed his mind. I know at some point I yelled "I'm not a fucking robot! I don't tell someone they're my boyfriend and how much I like them, then change my mind an hour later!" I'm sure it didn't help the situation.

He said he has moments of uncertainty and he doesn't want to hurt anyone like he hurt his ex. I think it really bothered him to see how upset I was. I called him about 5 minutes after I'd walked away, but he didn't answer. 10 minutes after that, he called me and said that when I called he "wasn't in a fit state to answer the phone". But I very quickly got to the point where I was crying so much I couldn't talk, so I hung up on him and haven't heard from him since.

Why are things always so difficult for me.

Midnight revelations.

I keep making things worse with Nathan. He doesn't deserve this. I only have feelings for him when I think I'm going to lose him. He's such a nice guy, but when I met him I thought he was a bit different, so I was attracted to him.

I tend to like the worst guys I know.

All my life, nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for my parents. All I have done is disappoint them. Which isn't fair because I've never felt supported in anything I have tried to do. As soon as I show that I like something, they'll try take it away. During my final year of high school, the only thing I was allowed to go to aside from school was tutoring, and I loved being there. My mother would threaten to pull me out of tutoring just because she knew it was pretty much the only thing I liked that I had left that she could take away from me.

One year, I had a result close to average in school, for a language or something. Since I didn't top the class in everything, my parents could not stop telling me how stupid and hopeless I was, the entire summer holidays. I was 12. I couldn't say a word to them because they would explode and yell about how hopeless and STUPID I am.

At least they stopped trapping and beating me when I was 15. Only because we moved house and they didn't want the neighbours to hear me scream.

I can't quite get over being forced in a corner, crying, while being kicked and hit, and yelled at for how disgusting and ugly I look, for how stupid and worthless I am. I don't think it's really fair that anyone should have to go through that and feel so trapped that all they want to do is die from 11 years of age.

I can't quite get over love being contingent on how the other person feels in the moment. That it can change at any moment for no reason. That all I desperately want to do is impress someone and be good enough for something.

So I choose the guys who are the most self-obsessed and arrogant. Because if I can get their attention, a moment of kindness, it means I'm worth something at least for the moment. I am so used to getting hurt that I want it to be predictable. I KNOW these guys will hurt me, and I KNOW it will probably be soon.

It's why I have issues with nice guys. I find it difficult to trust people, and people don't tend to stay in my life very long. I can't predict when he will hurt me. I'm not used to nice guys. I'm used to the constant drama of needing to know whether or not he still likes me, or whether he's changed his mind overnight. It's masochistic, it makes me feel alive.

So I sabotage things. I get to the point where I'm scared I've pushed him away too far, just to feel the pain of loss.

I would so dearly love to slice up my arms again. I think about this so often. I need to see my blood pouring out, to feel the shock of adrenaline, to black out into a frenzy of slashing because there are so many things I need to punish myself for. I need to see it to feel alive. I'm kind of concerned I'll get so worked up I'll stab myself somewhere that will kill me. I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to leave a mess behind.

But I don't want anyone to see - so I can't do anything. At least not until the weather gets colder.

So I guess that's why I'm making plans to meet up with Chris again.

Destroying things already.

Last night I called up Nathan and we talked for about an hour and I got really annoyed at him for no particular reason.

Today we met up and it started off well. We then went over to his place. He lives with his parents, but his parents live in this 4 storey house in one of the most expensive areas in the city. His floor is a self-contained apartment, and it's amazing. The entire place is basically the most beautiful house/apartment I've ever been in. I felt privileged just being able to be there.

It's weird that Chris and Nathan's parents have the same occupations, kind of. Their fathers have PhD's, and their mothers are artists. Difference is, Chris is very poor, whereas Nathan seems so very rich. However, he doesn't have any sort of arrogance about him that I notice. Not like Ryan, who literally had paintings of himself up on the walls in his room. With mirrors on the other walls.

Anyway, the night went very very badly. I think I got overwhelmed by how amazing everything was. Everything was just so nice, and he was just so nice that I kind of freaked out on the inside because I don't deserve something so perfect. I figured that there must be something wrong with the situation so I accused him of being a player, that he was just saying nice things to me because he wanted to get in my pants. That really hurt him, I think.

Then I left, he walked me to the station, and when he said bye I just walked off without saying anything. Some time later he messaged me asking if I caught my train, so I called him and apologised, and we talked for a while. He said that he didn't want to come on too strong, which is why I saw him as distant. And when I think he's being too nice and then too distant, I push him away because I think he's lying about something.

We're both trying to avoid bad things that have happened in the past, but we both went too far.

A while later, Nathan messaged me asking if I got home, then how I was feeling. I called him, and told him I was feeling kind of all over the place. I told him I really liked him. He said he liked me too and that we'll talk tomorrow.

I have a feeling that I've destroyed everything by being paranoid. I'm just so upset.

1-20 of 183 Blogs   

Previous Posts
friends only., posted June 20th, 2013
and it's pulling me down., posted June 18th, 2013
slightly hungover., posted June 15th, 2013
sugar high., posted June 13th, 2013
wracked with guilt., posted June 6th, 2013
all the lights., posted June 3rd, 2013
midnight at the beach (in winter)., posted May 31st, 2013
a punch in the chest., posted May 30th, 2013
Partyy., posted May 26th, 2013
Why I want him., posted May 23rd, 2013
so busy, posted May 16th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
More drama., posted May 13th, 2013
Teaching a sloth how to swim., posted May 12th, 2013
And Another First Date!, posted May 10th, 2013
Slightly overwhelmed., posted May 6th, 2013
It's for the intimacy., posted May 4th, 2013
And Another Break Up., posted May 1st, 2013
Midnight revelations., posted April 30th, 2013
Destroying things already., posted April 27th, 2013
First Date., posted April 25th, 2013
maybe this will work?, posted April 24th, 2013
Society Cruise, posted April 19th, 2013
Oh dear., posted April 11th, 2013
Progress., posted April 9th, 2013
Break Up, posted April 2nd, 2013
something different., posted March 27th, 2013
some unhappy thoughts., posted March 19th, 2013
differences., posted March 16th, 2013
Mail-Order Boyfriend, posted March 11th, 2013
Break Up., posted March 9th, 2013
missing my first week of class!, posted March 5th, 2013
decisions., posted February 25th, 2013
putting up with things., posted February 22nd, 2013
Date #6 - Valentine's Day, posted February 14th, 2013
Date #5 = indecisiveness., posted February 12th, 2013
Date #4, posted February 10th, 2013
Date #3, posted February 5th, 2013
Date #2, posted February 1st, 2013
Conflicted., posted January 29th, 2013
PTSD, posted January 26th, 2013
more drama, posted January 22nd, 2013
spontaneous, posted January 14th, 2013
slightly unstable, posted January 12th, 2013
degree change, posted January 10th, 2013
Decisions, posted January 5th, 2013
New Year's Eve Party 2012/13!, posted December 31st, 2012
Episode 3!, posted December 21st, 2012
Season 2: Episode 2, posted December 19th, 2012
soap opera returns, posted December 18th, 2012
1-50 of 185 Blog Posts   

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